No Regrets

"Are you over it yet?"  No.  I'm not.   But, that fueled my thoughts of ...when IS too long?  How do you know when you're "over it"?

Some friends who have walked through similar pain have aptly said, you don't ever get over it.  But, you do get through it.  You learn a new normal.  Not a bad normal, not a sad normal, not a happier than ever normal...a new NORMAL.  I have two daughters.  Nothing can change that.  It is not possible.  They are in Heaven.  Nothing can change that.  They cannot come to me, but, one day, I can go to them.  (As David said of his son whom he loved and mourned the death of.) 

I have thought over an over and over again of so many "what if's"  and "if only's".  I try to tell myself that I understand and accept that Laurel and Abby can't be helped, but I'm at risk for this again, and so, I'm "learning" to maybe gain insight on new developments to hopefully have a better outcome next time. 

Truth is, sometimes, I AM seeking knowledge for knowledge.   But, sometimes, like last night at 1:30 am, I am still trying to save the girls.  I don't think that's rational.  But, there I am, sitting in front of the "great and powerful Oz, that is Google" and searching "smallest infants", and " smallest infants in Georgia" etc.  it is a strange relief and yet hard, to see that our babies were less weight than the smallest girl to live, on record.  To read the accounts of why it is inhumane to try to prolong a tiny life when the infant is, in reality, too small for the equipment...even at the best equipped hospital.  There are creature comforts that allow the baby to be warm and have oxygen gently blown to them.  That does count for something.  More than you know when you hear of babies left in a corner for various reasons, not all cruel....not all kind. (Attention has to be given to the mom if she is in medical distress etc.)  I guess, the ugly truth is, we live in a world where people die.  Babies are people, and they do die sometimes. 

We also live in a world where tiniest of tiny babies live!  Miracles DO happen.  and medical staff..nurses, doctors,  have seen them both and they root for their patients and want good things for them.  But, they also are equipped, trained medically and mentally to care for their patients in good and bad times.

There were at least 4 doctors and two nurses that I asked multiple times to confirm I was as sick as they said.  I didn't think they were lying.  I just didn't feel sick and it was extremely hard for me to comprehend my lab values warranted all this "fuss" and serious discussions and critical decisions.  Numbers don't lie either, and I did trust our doctors.  While I was fascinated with the details, I was also stunned that this was happening.  Oh, and my blood pressure, that was the constant daily reminder that things weren't okay.

We had such great care.  The doctors / nurses would patiently reiterate that yes, I was very sick.  They were kind in their explanation of my illness and the girls' prognosis.

But, I am so thankful.  I can truly say, after all my ponderings, wonderings, and tears, we have no regrets.

No Regrets.  For all we knew at the time, the excellent doctors, both in Athens and August, we did everything we knew to do to give our daughters a chance.  We were blessed with doctors in Athens that were willing to send us on to a larger facility, and doctors there that were also excellent.  We were given every chance and we took each one.  As I've learned more about Pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome, I've learned that both can hit suddenly and progress rapidly (hours not just days) or they can progress slowly and then hit a point and then go quickly.  There is no way to know which you have and what it will do.  You can only be aware of your symptoms and lab values and go from there.  Each pregnancy is different as well.  Next time, I may not have it all, may have it sooner and quicker, or later.  So incredibly frustrating!!  But, currently there is no known cause of the illness.  There are very intelligent insights.  The placenta is involved directly in this scary situation and the delivery of the placenta is the only known "cure".  Yet....symptoms can occur AFTER delivery!??!  So, that's just to share how unpredictable this beast can be. 

We also loved our girls.  From the moment there were 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test to finding out there were 2 instead of 1, oh the JOY!!  WOW!!!!  We were so happy and a bit scared.  We loved them, wanted them and had a sense of knowing them.  I honestly believe they were aware of us and that even as I held them, they knew it was their momma singing and talking to them.  The peace of God with us.  So many things that, when I really think about it, I wouldn't change a thing based on what I knew then, and that's all that we had at the time. 

As I learn more and read more, I think of new questions and labs to check.  I do honestly believe I had an excellent and kind main doctor.  He is a very intelligent man and has seen hard situations before.  I would still trust him all over again.

Writing this has helped me.  I have a sense inside that, as I grieve, it's time to let Laurel and Abby rest.  Of course, they already are.  Heaven is sweeter to us because they are there.  I mean, it's time for my heart to let them rest.  Not to stop the tears or to pretend I'm "over it", but, in my mind, they are still in my arms, still alive and hearing me.  I am so thankful for that memory.  That is is true.  I am asking God now for another, newer picture for my mind and heart.  One that shows them well and content.  I want them to rest now.  I will go to them in time, and meet them under the Cherry tree.  For now though, I want to celebrate that they were here and allow God's peace and truth to permeate my heart and create a new picture to think of when I thank God for my daughters.

No regrets.  We'd do it all again.

Thank you God for peace. 

Crazy Hard

Today is Feb. 12, 2012, our due date was first set at Feb. 26.  I knew as soon as we found out we were having twins that the due date was not firm and would be sooner.  So, I don't know how I'll feel in 2 weeks.

Our twins are girls!  They are in Heaven now.  Their names are lovely; Laurel Brynn and Abigail Madison.  They were born at 23 weeks in the hospital, Medical College of Georgia in Augusta.  I got very very sick; severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome.  The sweet girls were 3 weeks behind developmentally and there were no instruments or equipment in that 4 star NICU small enough for them.  We were told in advance that our girls had to be a pound each or very close and had to be 23 weeks minimum to be able to receive care, due to various ethical concerns and medical ability.  They just weren't even close.  In some ways, that is comforting.  I would ache all the more if they had been shy a few grams or so.  They were half their needed weight.  Due to the preeclampsia, they simply did not grow big enough. 

They were fighters though!  It was hard and precious to hold them while they were here.  To see them, their perfect noses, beautiful eyebrows and crowns of hair just starting to come in.  I loved them.  I love them now.  I will always love them.  Our doctor wrapped them together after asking and tucked Laurel's arm through Abby's.  So sweet!  They somehow knew they were not alone and we were a family of four for an hour and a half.    I'm so thankful!  In that time Darren and I got to hold them.  I got to sing to them; songs I had wanted to sing often.  Happy Birthday, Jesus Loves Me, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, a bit of the Revelation song, but I'm sure I missed some words.  I just wanted them to have a momma sing to them. I loved being their Momma.  It's true, I still am, and I miss them.  I wanted them to know they were wanted, loved and cherished.  I told them that I was very sick and had done all I could to keep them here, but my body was failing and they needed more time than I had to give, as I understood things and asked.   I'm just so thankful for those 7 weeks in hospital.  Seven weeks of mostly paying attention to them.  Feeling them, talking to them, hearing their heartbeats, hoping things may just turn out okay after all.

As I held them and realized soon God would be holding them for me and loving them when I couldn't, I had the sense of God asking me to hold His children here.  Those who don't have someone to hold them.  To love them for Him, on His behalf, as He cared for mine.  It was a bit surreal.  But, I think I understand a bit more of the Father's heart.  I do know God was in our room with us.  I have never before or since, sensed such peace and calmness. 

I have wondered why God said "no", from my perspective, to our many petitions for healing for me and for the girls to be big enough.  At this moment, I have peace.  I don't know the answers to the why's.  I do know that He is still faithful, He is sovereign, and yes, He is good.  I do know that He knows pain and is not ashamed of mine.  I do know that He knows victory. 

He gave me two daughters, for a short time as I understand time, but I am richer for being their Mom.  I would rather grieve their loss than to not have known them.  It was fun to celebrate my pregnancy, to marvel that there were two, and then, to marvel that so many in our faith family would soldier up and bear our burden  with us in constant prayer.  What a witness and encouragement to our hearts.

This is an ongoing journey.  The best way to "get over" pain is to go through it.  So, there I go. 

Darren has been and continues to be a truly good man; a kind husband, a good daddy during our hospital stay.  I am proud to be his leading lady.  Thank you to God for that gift!

I'm sure more will come out as I work through this experience.

For more information on Pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome go to www.preeclampsia.org

A bit of our Journey to now

Around, I guess, February of 2011 I came across a blog, naturallyknockedup.com when "googling" the effect of milk on fertility.  I don't remember why I chose to google milk specifically.  (Don't you love how "google" is a verb now?  :) )  I do know that I looked into many ideas on fertility and infertility.  Milk must've been the search d'jour for that day.  When I read Danielle's personal story, I was so fascinated and interested.  It wasn't exactly my story too, but, I found it fascinating that she was able to, basically, "heal" her body with proper nutrition.  I love science and am borderline untrusting of western medicine as the absolute always answer.  I value western medicine, respect it and use it, but....I think that some, maybe many, ailments may be lessened or "cured" by proper nutrition and other alternatives such as appropriate and counseled vitamin / mineral supplementation.  So, I began following her blog and reading her thoughts and posts on various health and fertility topics.  At this time, I also began paying attention to what I ate and why.  Oh, I didn't stop eating unhealthy foods....fried chicken, brownies etc.  I just began noticing how much, how often, and how I felt afterwards. While I eventually found another fertility related health blog, I continue, once in a while, to read up on what Danielle is writing about.

     While looking up Danielle's facebook page, I took notice of the different names that popped up in the search field, much the way google does now....everything with "N" pops up, then "natural", and so forth, as I typed in "naturally knocked up", one of the many names that came up was "Natural Fertility Breakthrough".  Thinking that was a catchy name and along the lines exactly of what I was looking for, I checked out the public page.  I have been a fan ever since that discovery.

.....more to come.....

A little history

Darren and I met on a blind date set up by a mutual friend.  We were both a bit nervous, but really wanting to meet someone nice that could maybe grow to more.  :)  It was one of a very few first dates I've ever had, but I cannot imagine a better one, ever!
We met at local Peruvian restaurant and enjoyed the food and visiting.  ( Shining moment:  he watched for me and saw me park "wrong" and hit "softly" the embankment behind the store...he ducked away to keep me from seeing him, and yet...he still asked me out again.)  Aftewards, he asked if I wanted to go to a group sing-a-long nearby...it was Dec. 16th...so, it was the annual "Christmas Hoot".  It was a really fun time.  Looooong story short, next Dec. 16th he proposed and I accepted.  We were married in May 2007.  I was 31.

So....we wanted to have children and began trying after a year and a half.  With one miscarriage a year later, early on, but still so hard emotionally, we found out we were expecting again...finally! 2 years later....this time....TWINS!!!  We are still amazed and excited.  Lots can still "go wrong" I suppose, but so much has gone right this time and we just choose to believe that this time is meant "to be", a gift from God that He will let stay.  That is our conviction, and our joy!!  We are 16 weeks along today.

Other fun facts:  we are remodeling our ktichen.  It's the last room in the house to be worked on.  I will finally have a dishwasher!!  :)  I think Darren and family are doing a truly great job!!

We like music...all kinds!!  bluegrass is the big winner, but we like classical, some country, and some Christian songs as well.

Introduction

We are Darren and Brennen Drake, husband and wife, friends, and soon-to-be parents of twins.  I (Brennen) began this blog to chronicle our journey to parenthood and other fun life adventures we have and want to share.  :)