No Regrets

"Are you over it yet?"  No.  I'm not.   But, that fueled my thoughts of ...when IS too long?  How do you know when you're "over it"?

Some friends who have walked through similar pain have aptly said, you don't ever get over it.  But, you do get through it.  You learn a new normal.  Not a bad normal, not a sad normal, not a happier than ever normal...a new NORMAL.  I have two daughters.  Nothing can change that.  It is not possible.  They are in Heaven.  Nothing can change that.  They cannot come to me, but, one day, I can go to them.  (As David said of his son whom he loved and mourned the death of.) 

I have thought over an over and over again of so many "what if's"  and "if only's".  I try to tell myself that I understand and accept that Laurel and Abby can't be helped, but I'm at risk for this again, and so, I'm "learning" to maybe gain insight on new developments to hopefully have a better outcome next time. 

Truth is, sometimes, I AM seeking knowledge for knowledge.   But, sometimes, like last night at 1:30 am, I am still trying to save the girls.  I don't think that's rational.  But, there I am, sitting in front of the "great and powerful Oz, that is Google" and searching "smallest infants", and " smallest infants in Georgia" etc.  it is a strange relief and yet hard, to see that our babies were less weight than the smallest girl to live, on record.  To read the accounts of why it is inhumane to try to prolong a tiny life when the infant is, in reality, too small for the equipment...even at the best equipped hospital.  There are creature comforts that allow the baby to be warm and have oxygen gently blown to them.  That does count for something.  More than you know when you hear of babies left in a corner for various reasons, not all cruel....not all kind. (Attention has to be given to the mom if she is in medical distress etc.)  I guess, the ugly truth is, we live in a world where people die.  Babies are people, and they do die sometimes. 

We also live in a world where tiniest of tiny babies live!  Miracles DO happen.  and medical staff..nurses, doctors,  have seen them both and they root for their patients and want good things for them.  But, they also are equipped, trained medically and mentally to care for their patients in good and bad times.

There were at least 4 doctors and two nurses that I asked multiple times to confirm I was as sick as they said.  I didn't think they were lying.  I just didn't feel sick and it was extremely hard for me to comprehend my lab values warranted all this "fuss" and serious discussions and critical decisions.  Numbers don't lie either, and I did trust our doctors.  While I was fascinated with the details, I was also stunned that this was happening.  Oh, and my blood pressure, that was the constant daily reminder that things weren't okay.

We had such great care.  The doctors / nurses would patiently reiterate that yes, I was very sick.  They were kind in their explanation of my illness and the girls' prognosis.

But, I am so thankful.  I can truly say, after all my ponderings, wonderings, and tears, we have no regrets.

No Regrets.  For all we knew at the time, the excellent doctors, both in Athens and August, we did everything we knew to do to give our daughters a chance.  We were blessed with doctors in Athens that were willing to send us on to a larger facility, and doctors there that were also excellent.  We were given every chance and we took each one.  As I've learned more about Pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome, I've learned that both can hit suddenly and progress rapidly (hours not just days) or they can progress slowly and then hit a point and then go quickly.  There is no way to know which you have and what it will do.  You can only be aware of your symptoms and lab values and go from there.  Each pregnancy is different as well.  Next time, I may not have it all, may have it sooner and quicker, or later.  So incredibly frustrating!!  But, currently there is no known cause of the illness.  There are very intelligent insights.  The placenta is involved directly in this scary situation and the delivery of the placenta is the only known "cure".  Yet....symptoms can occur AFTER delivery!??!  So, that's just to share how unpredictable this beast can be. 

We also loved our girls.  From the moment there were 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test to finding out there were 2 instead of 1, oh the JOY!!  WOW!!!!  We were so happy and a bit scared.  We loved them, wanted them and had a sense of knowing them.  I honestly believe they were aware of us and that even as I held them, they knew it was their momma singing and talking to them.  The peace of God with us.  So many things that, when I really think about it, I wouldn't change a thing based on what I knew then, and that's all that we had at the time. 

As I learn more and read more, I think of new questions and labs to check.  I do honestly believe I had an excellent and kind main doctor.  He is a very intelligent man and has seen hard situations before.  I would still trust him all over again.

Writing this has helped me.  I have a sense inside that, as I grieve, it's time to let Laurel and Abby rest.  Of course, they already are.  Heaven is sweeter to us because they are there.  I mean, it's time for my heart to let them rest.  Not to stop the tears or to pretend I'm "over it", but, in my mind, they are still in my arms, still alive and hearing me.  I am so thankful for that memory.  That is is true.  I am asking God now for another, newer picture for my mind and heart.  One that shows them well and content.  I want them to rest now.  I will go to them in time, and meet them under the Cherry tree.  For now though, I want to celebrate that they were here and allow God's peace and truth to permeate my heart and create a new picture to think of when I thank God for my daughters.

No regrets.  We'd do it all again.

Thank you God for peace.