Crazy Hard

Today is Feb. 12, 2012, our due date was first set at Feb. 26.  I knew as soon as we found out we were having twins that the due date was not firm and would be sooner.  So, I don't know how I'll feel in 2 weeks.

Our twins are girls!  They are in Heaven now.  Their names are lovely; Laurel Brynn and Abigail Madison.  They were born at 23 weeks in the hospital, Medical College of Georgia in Augusta.  I got very very sick; severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome.  The sweet girls were 3 weeks behind developmentally and there were no instruments or equipment in that 4 star NICU small enough for them.  We were told in advance that our girls had to be a pound each or very close and had to be 23 weeks minimum to be able to receive care, due to various ethical concerns and medical ability.  They just weren't even close.  In some ways, that is comforting.  I would ache all the more if they had been shy a few grams or so.  They were half their needed weight.  Due to the preeclampsia, they simply did not grow big enough. 

They were fighters though!  It was hard and precious to hold them while they were here.  To see them, their perfect noses, beautiful eyebrows and crowns of hair just starting to come in.  I loved them.  I love them now.  I will always love them.  Our doctor wrapped them together after asking and tucked Laurel's arm through Abby's.  So sweet!  They somehow knew they were not alone and we were a family of four for an hour and a half.    I'm so thankful!  In that time Darren and I got to hold them.  I got to sing to them; songs I had wanted to sing often.  Happy Birthday, Jesus Loves Me, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, a bit of the Revelation song, but I'm sure I missed some words.  I just wanted them to have a momma sing to them. I loved being their Momma.  It's true, I still am, and I miss them.  I wanted them to know they were wanted, loved and cherished.  I told them that I was very sick and had done all I could to keep them here, but my body was failing and they needed more time than I had to give, as I understood things and asked.   I'm just so thankful for those 7 weeks in hospital.  Seven weeks of mostly paying attention to them.  Feeling them, talking to them, hearing their heartbeats, hoping things may just turn out okay after all.

As I held them and realized soon God would be holding them for me and loving them when I couldn't, I had the sense of God asking me to hold His children here.  Those who don't have someone to hold them.  To love them for Him, on His behalf, as He cared for mine.  It was a bit surreal.  But, I think I understand a bit more of the Father's heart.  I do know God was in our room with us.  I have never before or since, sensed such peace and calmness. 

I have wondered why God said "no", from my perspective, to our many petitions for healing for me and for the girls to be big enough.  At this moment, I have peace.  I don't know the answers to the why's.  I do know that He is still faithful, He is sovereign, and yes, He is good.  I do know that He knows pain and is not ashamed of mine.  I do know that He knows victory. 

He gave me two daughters, for a short time as I understand time, but I am richer for being their Mom.  I would rather grieve their loss than to not have known them.  It was fun to celebrate my pregnancy, to marvel that there were two, and then, to marvel that so many in our faith family would soldier up and bear our burden  with us in constant prayer.  What a witness and encouragement to our hearts.

This is an ongoing journey.  The best way to "get over" pain is to go through it.  So, there I go. 

Darren has been and continues to be a truly good man; a kind husband, a good daddy during our hospital stay.  I am proud to be his leading lady.  Thank you to God for that gift!

I'm sure more will come out as I work through this experience.

For more information on Pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome go to www.preeclampsia.org